Red Dwarf Fan Novel
“The Rimmer Complex”
It was another solitary Thursday evening trapped in deep space on the clunky, colossal mining ship Red Dwarf. Arnold Rimmer was slumped on a swivel chair missing half of its wheels looking down in disgust at a piece of paper whilst fiddling with his pen. It was a damage report from when the ship had recently passed through an asteroid field. Rimmer realised that even his mastery of fixing vending machines was no match for the utter destruction that had besieged C-deck. Lister and Kryten where busy probing a nearby planetoid and the Cat was busy chasing a being with superior intellect. A space weevil.
Suddenly, the ship shook violently and Rimmer sprung from his half-broken seat. He dashed as fast as he could to the main control deck where he encountered the Cat.
“What the Hell is going on!” Inquired the Cat rather nervously, “I had that pesky weevil right in my claws and before I knew it the poor sucker was flying faster than Usain Bolt riding a cheetah!”
“I don't know!” replied Rimmer emphatically, “ I think we might be being attacked!”
“Well don't just stand there dumb dumb. Do something!” Exclaimed Cat.
Rimmer hesitated, “Erm...well...I..ah, yes I've got it!”
“Go to red alert!”
Cat looked annoyed, “We've been over this! Apparently it takes approximately 26.75 times my brain power to change a light bulb! Or had you forgotten last Saturday's joke night?”
Suddenly the communications screen began to indicate an incoming transmission. Rimmer, without delay, turned on the communications receiver and then ducked out of the camera's line of sight leaving just the Cat exposed. Gradually, the blurry, flickering image on the screen becomes more and more recognisable. It was Lister and Kryten.
“You dozy Smeggers.” Lister chuckled, “One little sonic disturbance and you go into complete meltdown?”
“Little!” Rimmer shrilled.
“Try explaining that to the weevil” The Cat versed.
Kryten then lifted up an abnormal looking device and placed it in view. It was a rather large black semicircle with three switches and a monumental light bulb located in its centre. It had multiple coiled wires extending from it's rear that had metal clamps embracing their ends.
“Mr Lister Sir, it is entirely possible that the blast could have been a lot larger relative to their position. What with the giant scale of Red Dwarf and -” Kryten was interrupted by Lister.
“Can it for now Kryten, remember what we talked about”
“Oh, about the fact that you had that strange dream where Peterson visited your sleeping quarters while you were slumbering and -” Kryten was, again, interrupted by Lister.
“No! The other thing”
“Ah yes. Sorry Mr Lister Sir” Kryten apologised.
“Rimmer's just a cowardly Smeghead.” Lister stated teasingly.
“Now hang on just a minute there Dog Food Face!” Rimmer pleaded, “It was highly irresponsible to use some unstable contraption to disturb the ship when so much damage has been inflicted on C-deck!”
“Calm down man it was just a bit of fun. Its harmless, promise” Lister assured apologetically.
“Still, need I remind you that you are in immediate violation of Space Corp Directive 5678201/D. All unrecognised equipment must undergo several safety procedures before being tried as safe for use.”
Kryten looked confused. “ 5678201/D Sir? All mechanics caught stealing chocolate bars from the vending machines will have their hands super-glued to their scrotum for a week? I fail to see the connection here. You want 5678201/E Sir.”
“Whatever, bog-bot.” Rimmer said insultingly, “Just dock Starbug in and put that contraption in quarantine. I want to analyse it.”
“Aye aye Captain Smeg for Brains!” Lister joked. The transmission then ended.
Rimmer then marched out of the control deck and towards the hangar bay where he would meet Lister and Kryten. He looked very enraged. He thought Lister had done some utterly stupid things in the past but none of them were as dangerous as this. As acting commander, it was his duty to stop Red Dwarf's true enemy. The incompetence of third engineers.
“Hey, wait for me Goalpost Head!” The Cat cried.